luni, 28 decembrie 2009

Craciun cu poze de familie

Pe 26 am avut invitati: Marilena si Adrian cu scumpisoara lor de Ala. Ne-am simtit tare bine, la final ne-am copilarit cu totii, alergandu-ne prin dormitor cu piticeii care radeau si chiuiau de mama focului...



Cu ocazia asta, printre salata de boeuf, sarmale si tarta de fructe, am apucat si noi sa ne facem reciproc oarece poze de familie... Am gasit cateva acceptabile, desi dragalasul de David nu a stat cuminte la pozat precum Ala, el era permanent mai interesat de salata de boeuf si de sarmalele de pe masa (din care s-a infruptat si el - dealtfel a mancat si ceva varza murata in timp ce faceam sarmalele, asa ca...).








sâmbătă, 26 decembrie 2009

Globuletele bradului meu de Craciun

Ochii tai cu albastrul lor ireal si privirea ta de o profunzime incredibila...

Zambetul tau nevinovat cand dormi linistit ca un inger...


Rasul tau cristalin cand ne alergam prin casa si eu spun "Fugi, ca te prind", iar tu razi si fugi in dormitor ca sa te ascunzi in spatele patului...

Manutele tale micute cand te joci cu degetele mele inainte de culcare...

Pasii tai, mai siguri sau mai clatinati, atunci cand alergi prin iarba chiuind...

Pielicica ta catifelata de pufulete si mirosul imbatator de bebe mic...

Bucuria ta cand ne jucam impreuna...

Placerea ta deosebita cand mai colectionezi cate o pietricica sau o ghinda sau o castana si mi le intinzi cu drag ca sa ti le pastrez...

Avantul cu care vrei intotdeauna sa le stii pe toate si usurinta cu care retii orice ti se spune...

Dulceata cu care raspunzi zambind la privirile si cuvintele admirative ale celor din jur care se minuneaza de ochii tai incredibil de frumosi...

Vocea ta atat de pura si nevinovata si sunetele pe care le scoti in limba ta si care imi incalzesc inima...

Stralucirea din ochii tai cand faci cate o noua descoperire si mi-o arati cu mandrie...

Tandretea cu care iti pui capsorul pe umarul meu cand te iau in brate...


* * * * *

Am un bradulet minunat in inima mea anul asta :-)

marți, 22 decembrie 2009

Visurile noastre si copiii din noi


Cand eram mai tinerica (si mai gingirlica ;-)) si inca prizoniera in Romanika, aveam niste visuri concrete: sa ajung la Londra si sa vad "The mouse trap" (piesa de teatru care a devenit deja istorie si detine recordul de a rula in St. Martin's Theatre de 58 de ani fara intrerupere!!!), sa vad insula Santorini (vazusem o vedere la matusa mea cand aveam vreo 12 ani si ma indragostisem subit si iremediabil de imaginea superbelor bisericute albe pe fundalul marii albastre), sa vad Parisul, sa-mi cumpar odata si odata un stilou Mont Blanc, sa merg la un concert cu Billy Joel... Visurile astea mi le-am implinit. Singurul care imi va ramane nerealizat este sa ajung la Anthony Quinn si sa-i sarut mana. Uite-asa aveam eu un vis, dupa ce vazusem de 12 ori Zorba Grecul. Of, Doamne...

De aceea azi incep prin a va recomanda o carte extraordinara, pe care am citit-o in tinerete si am recitit-o acum cu la fel de multa placere: Anthony Quinn - Lupta cu ingerul (titlul original: The original sin). Si el a trecut prin multi ani de terapie, si el a fost un suflet perfectionist si chinuit care nu si-a gasit niciodata linistea, si el s-a luptat ani de zile cu "baiatul" din el care era nemilos cu pretentiile lui idealiste in cautarea fericirii... Saru'mana, Tony, pentru tot ceea ce ai lasat in urma ta!

* * * * *

In calatoria mea prin labirintul durerii, intalnesc mereu cate un culoar nou. Acum trei seri, vorbind cu terapeuta, i-am spus ca in ultimele doua zile mi-e ceva mai bine, dar apoi i-am povestit si despre iesirile agresive ale lui Bogdan din ultima vreme, despre modul cum "baiatul" ma terorizeaza fiindca stau prea mult pe computer, cum imi cauta permanent nod in papura ca sa ma critice, cum ma injura si ma jigneste, despre faptul ca nu ma mai simt iubita, nu ma mai simt acceptata asa cum sunt, lucru care era intreg motorul relatiei noastre, avand in vedere ca Bogdan a fost primul om din viata mea care mi-a oferit iubire si acceptare neconditionata. I-am spus ca acum ma simt din nou cum ma simteam cu mama, am ajuns sa-mi fie frica de Bogdan, de reactiile lui la ceea ce fac, ma simt tot timpul pusa sub lupa, examinata, asteptata la colt cu maciuca... Ea m-a intrebat unde anume in corp simt toate astea. I-am spus, dupa cateva secunde de gandire, ca le simt in stomac, ca intotdeauna. Totusi, seara in pat, inainte de culcare, cand i-am relatat lui Bogdan discutia cu terapeuta si mi-au venit lacrimile in ochi, am identificat si un alt loc unde simt - mult mai acut - toate astea: in spinare!!

Si mi-am adus aminte brusc de ceva ce mi-a povestit matusa mea despre ce mai stia si ea din copilaria mea: eu ii spusesem cand aveam 3-4 ani ca mama ma batea cu pumnii in spinare. Ea a confruntat-o pe mama, certand-o ("Esti nebuna, mai Dida, n-o mai lovi in spinare, ca-i dezlipesti plamanii copilului!" - din cuvintele ei reiese ca matusa mea, fiind batuta bestial in copilarie, ar fi tolerat oarecum sa ma loveasca in alta parte :-((), iar mama a negat totul, spunand ca eu as fi inventat (!) si adaugand "Cum e posibil asa ceva, sa crezi ca i-as da cu pumnii in spinare?". Acum stiu ca nu inventasem nimic, nici un copil din lume nu poate inventa asa ceva daca nu a trait-o pe propria piele!!! Si in toti anii care au urmat, cand ma lovea peste ceafa din senin sau se repezea cu pumnii si palmele in spinarea mea, in toti anii aceia stateam permanent cu frica in carne, in pozitie ghemuita (de aceea am si problemele de coloana, ca ma cocosam si ma strangeam in mine si ma faceam mica in asteptarea permanenta a urmatoarei lovituri - sau cine stie, poate era pozitia de start ca s-o iau la fuga undeva, pe un alt taram unde credeam ca am sa fiu in siguranta).

Am constientizat toate astea si am plans putin inainte sa adorm (fiind cu puiul langa mine, nu mi-am permis mai mult). A doua zi mi-a fost frig tot timpul si pe la pranz m-am trezit cu frisoane in tot corpul (mai ales la spate si in zona umerilor!!), o stare de rau general, ma luasera si durerile de cap, cu senzatii de menghina in jurul cefei (!), eram ametita, slabita, as fi jurat ca m-a luat o gripa urata de tot. Seara mi-am facut un ceai de tei cu lamaie, am facut o baie fierbinte cu uleiuri eterice (in clipa cand am intrat in apa am gasit definitia universala a paradisului!) si apoi m-am bagat in pat, unde am dormit ca un butuc toata noaptea. A doua zi n-am mai avut nimic!! Concluzia: somatizare curata!! Corpul se pregatise sa preia (din nou!!) simptomele, semnele, sa-mi arate unde e buba... Noroc ca am constientizat la timp ce se intampla, i-am si spus lui Bogdan ca stiu de unde imi vine starea de rau, de la faptul ca psihicul nu a putut sa se ocupe mai intens de amintirile ivite la suprafata, asa ca mi-am luat ceva timp sa ma confrunt cu ele, am mai plans putin, am strans-o in brate cat am putut de tare pe micuta Feliuta neiubita si batuta, iar asta m-a ajutat ca a doua zi sa nu mai am nimic. Corpul a simtit ca psihicul isi face temele si m-a lasat in pace :-)

Daca mereu ar fi atat de simplu, ce bine ar fi! Aveti grija de voi, de trupul dar mai ales de sufletul vostru!

sâmbătă, 19 decembrie 2009

Parinti, copii si depresii

Am mai vorbit cu terapeuta... I-am povestit ca am primit acum o saptamana un plic de la tata, in care erau o carte de basme romanesti si doua carticele de desenat... Ce sa zic, el incearca in continuare... asa, in felul lui orb, egoist si ignorant, el incearca...

Pe tata nu-l mai urasc demult. Inca de acum cativa ani, dupa ce imi trimisese SMS de ziua mea ca isi cere iertare pentru suferinta pe care mi-o provocase (desi el se referea numai la incercarile lui de a ma dezbina de Bogdan - sau poate orgoliul exacerbat nu i-a dat voie sa spuna mai mult), am incercat sa-i dau niste sanse de reabilitare, l-am rugat sa ma ajute la reconstituirea arborelui meu genealogic, apoi i-am trimis o lista cu intrebari despre trecutul lui si al meu si al nostru, la care l-am rugat sa-mi raspunda. Am fost de asemenea dispusa sa am intelegere si chiar compasiune pentru modul cum se minte el in legatura cu propria lui copilarie si viata, pentru ca subconstientul lui are motive puternice pentru mecanismele de defensa pe care si le-a construit. Cum ai putea fara aceste mecanisme sa continui sa crezi ca ai fost "iubit" de parinti care te bateau bestial (cu smulgeri de par sau cicatrici insangerate de la catarama curelei)??

Am fost deschisa la tot ceea ce mi-a scris, pana la punctul in care am citit afirmatia lui pe cat de categorica pe atat de fatala oricarei tentative de reconciliere: "Dida n-a batut-o pe Felicia niciodata". Prin asta a distrus - din nou - orice esafodaj, oricat de fragil, al unei posibile impacari. Desi eu am reprimat cea mai mare parte din traumele copilariei mele, desi sunt sigura ca mama ma batea de cele mai multe ori cand tata nu era de fata, asta nu e o scuza pentru ca el s-o sustina in minciuna, cu atat mai mult cu cat eu speram ca el sa ma ajute sa-mi mai recuperez amintirile; doar el imi atrasese candva atentia ca eu la 12 ani il intrebasem odata de ce mama e intotdeauna vesela si bine dispusa cand avem musafiri si in rest e mereu nervoasa (trist, nu?). Acelasi lucru se aplica si la aspectul abuzului sexual pe care l-am suferit in copilarie din cauza mai multor persoane din familia noastra, abuz pe care tata de asemenea il neaga cu vehementa in continuare.

Toate incercarile lui ulterioare de a repara ceva intre noi au fost distruse de refuzul lui de a accepta adevarul meu, realitatea mea, toata durerea mea, refuzul lui de a ma accepta pe mine ca persoana adulta! Terapeuta m-a ajutat de curand sa inteleg ca mama ar fi vrut ca eu sa raman o viata intreaga bebelusul de 10 luni care era dependent de ea si nu-i facea nici un fel de probleme (si, Doamne, cate mame nu sunt asa :-((), in timp ce tata ar fi vrut ca eu sa ma opresc din evolutie pe la 17-18 ani, sa raman eterna adolescenta care era pentru el in acelasi timp copilul lui, cea mai buna prietena, plus un surogat de partenera de viata. Da, din perspectiva acestei constelatie s-ar putea spune chiar ca ma "iubea". Asa cum un parazit iubeste organismul parazitat...

Eu am plecat de langa el cand aveam 22 de ani si atunci a inceput declinul lui: in nici doi ani imbatranise cu peste 10 ani, albise foarte mult, isi pierduse si multi dinti si devenise brusc obsedat de bani, de chilipiruri... era de nerecunoscut, el care o viata intreaga fusese generos si nu se uitase la bani (vorba lui era "Sunt prea sarac ca sa ma uit la bani") devenise parca peste noapte un fel de Hagi Tudose cu porniri tot mai meschine... De aceea el a ramas incremenit in acea perioada de "aur" din viata lui cand eu ii eram un suport existential absolut necesar si nu va putea niciodata sa se desprinda de acele iluzii fara sa-si piarda complet precarul echilibru emotional pe care-l mai are...

Uneori mi-e mila de el. Terapeuta a avansat teoria ca, daca tata ar avea cumva posibilitatea sa-si reverse iubirea (atata cat poate simti el) asupra lui David, asta ar contribui pozitiv la modul cum ma priveste si pe mine, in sensul ca automat ar fi silit sa ma vada ca pe o persoana adulta. Situatia la noi insa este de asa natura incat tata nu-l poate vedea pe David fara sa ma vada si pe mine, iar eu nu sunt pregatita pentru asta. Singura concesie pe care i-o pot face este sa-i trimit de Craciun un calendar si un album de poze cu David.

Consider ca e deja un compromis suficient. Si-asa mi se strange inima cand ma gandesc ca precis i le va arata si mamei, care va fi astfel din nou propulsata in trecutul comod, cand ea nu-mi scria cu anii (ca ii facea rau sa-mi scrie, cum s-a exprimat chiar ea!!), dar se lasa pusa la curent cu viata mea de catre tata (care-mi scria saptamanal si ma si suna de cateva ori pe an desi el era pensionar iar ea avea inca salariu). Presupun ca ar trebui sa-mi fie de ajuns sa stiu ca sufera si asa, in narcisismul ei patologic, ca fiecare zi in care se trezeste si constata ca tot ea insasi este devine un calvar, dar deocamdata nu mi-e de ajuns. Furia e inca prezenta, durerea fetitei neiubite din mine e neostoita, restristea si rana sufleteasca sunt la fel de adanci.

* * * * *

Ma gandeam in ultimele zile, dupa o discutie revelatoare cu o colega, ca oamenii care nu au avut niciodata tangenta cu psihologia pot interpreta complet gresit simptomele depresiei mele si le pot pune pe seama lui David. Trebuie sa mai explic cate ceva. Baby blues-ul, ca si depresia post-partum, nu are absolut nici o legatura cauzala cu aparitia unui copil in viata persoanei respective. Cauzele depresiei sunt exclusiv in noi insine, iar radacinile depresiei se afla exclusiv in copilaria noastra proprie! Copilul poate fi in anumite imprejurari doar un factor declansator al unor sentimente demult reprimate, moment in care depresia isi arata coltii ;-) vorba vine, fiindca de fapt depresia e cea mai mare sansa de vindecare a sufletului! Ca atare, dpdv psihologic aparitia sau prezenta unui copil in viata unui om vatamat sufleteste nu poate fi decat benefica, deoarece ne ajuta sa ne confruntam cu toti demonii trecutului pe care mecanismele de defensa ale constientului nostru i-ar fi dorit ingropati pentru totdeauna!

In cazul meu, faptul ca tata a venit asta-vara pe neasteptate aici m-a dat complet peste cap si a fost triggerul depresiei cumplite care si-a atins apogeul in ultimele doua luni. Imi adunasem atunci din nou toata furia pentru a ma apara de o noua rana, de o noua durere, de o noua schingiuire a sufletului, m-am ghemuit din nou in mine insami cu pumnii stransi si cu tot corpul incordat (Bogdan mi-a spus ca uneori asa si dorm, cu pumnii stransi la piept, a aparare), am inchis toate supapele si m-am scufundat din nou la adancime maxima.

Apoi a venit ziua mea, alta ocazie de a retrai sentimente vechi, alta ocazie de a rememora aniversari triste... "A memory escapes into our conscious minds and makes us lonely children again"...

Apoi se apropie Craciunul, care la noi era mereu sarbatoarea minciunii numita "familie fericita": brad impodobit ca in basme, cadouri, ciocolate, papusi, jucarii, mancare festiva, mese aranjate cu servetele apretate, peste toate tronand violenta imprevizibila a mamei si teroarea din sufletul meu.

Depresia este asadar limbajul in care sufletul ne comunica raspicat ca a sosit timpul sa mai smulgem cojile si crustele altor si altor rani, pentru a le dezinfecta, a le pansa si a le deplange cum se cuvine. Ii multumesc ingerului meu pazitor ca am puterea s-o fac. Ceea ce va doresc din inima si voua, acum in prag de sarbatori... ingrijiti-va si mangaiati-va sufletul!

vineri, 18 decembrie 2009

Gripa porcina - e mai grav decat credeam

Caz real relatat de o prietena pe mail. O colega a sotului ei suna la servici ca nu poate sa vina: are gripa porcina!! Cineva o intreaba cum a fost diagnosticata. Simplu: "Am fost la Victor Babes si m-au ascultat cu stetoscopul, apoi mi-au spus ca am gripa porcina".

Asa ca, suratelor, fratilor, fuguta-fuguta la vaccinare, ca doar vedeti cum se inmultesc bolnavii de gripa porcina ca ciupercile dupa ploaie!

Mare e gradina ta, Doamne, si e plina de insuportabil de multi prosti care nu se pot vaccina impotriva prostiei...

joi, 17 decembrie 2009

Din nou si din nou Timisoara

Gest impresionant al fanilor timişoreni duminică seara pe stadionul „Dan Păltinişanu“:

omagiu pentru cei ucişi la Revoluţia din 1989


Există momente pe stadioane în care amuţeşti. Te trec fiorii, nu mai poţi să spui nimic, decât cel mult să aplauzi.

Duminică, la Timişoara, a avut loc un astfel de moment. La pauză, întregul stadion a încetat aproape şi să respire după ce galeria a ridicat aproximativ o sută de bannere cu nume. Nume care pentru majoritatea dintre noi nu spun nimic, dar care înseamnă enorm pentru toţi. Sunt cei care au fost ucişi în decembrie 1989 la Timişoara. În mijloc, Opera, un alt simbol al Revoluţiei, îndoliată. Într-un colţ, o pânză albă este dedicată memoriei celor dispăruţi sau neidentificaţi.

"În fiecare an facem câte un eveniment în memoria oamenilor care au murit atunci. Trebuia să reamintim unora că acei oameni au murit pentru ca ei să se poată certa acum în parlament sau cu ocazia campaniei electorale", a explicat Emanuel Cernescu, unul dintre suporteri. "Vrem ca nimeni să nu uite. E o onoare că, fie şi pentru câteva clipe şi într-un mod metaforic, acei Oameni au fost cu noi în peluză", completează Silvian Radosav.


***********

miercuri, 16 decembrie 2009

Din nou: atentie la vaccinuri!

Mamici care va vaccinati copiii orbeste, sau viitoare mamici care veti putea fi puse candva in situatia de a permite vaccinarea copiilor vostri, cititi cu atentie pe site-ul de mai jos si informati-va cat puteti de mult despre aceasta industrie de inselatorie care este vaccinarea. Cititi cum medicii bagatelizeaza reactiile alergice la vaccinuri, cum oamenii care au trecut prin astfel de tragedii trebuie sa se ocupe singuri de cercetarea cauzelor decesului copiilor lor si astfel afla de multe cazuri raportate de parinti, dar de si mai multe trecute sub tacere de medici si autoritatile cu pricina, cititi despre ignoranta si aroganta medicilor care refuza raspunderea in cazuri ca al lui Ian, cititi cum bietul copil era rosu si umflat tot la 24 de ore de la vaccin, nu putea sa respire si refuza mancarea si medicii "credeau" ca e un virus, cum l-au vazut toti specialistii de la dermatologie, reumatologie, nefrologie, imunologie, hematologie si boli infectioase, cum a fost testat pentru boli de care se imbolnavesc maximum 3 copii pe an in lume, cum a dezvoltat reactii alergice si la antibiotice (normal, sistemul imunitar era prabusit!), cum se umfla pe zi ce trece, cum i s-a bagat un tub in stomac ca sa i se scoata lichidele din corp si cum rinichii nu ii functionau, cum a fost intubat fiindca nu mai putea sa respire singur, cum corpusorul lui nu mai era capabil sa produca eritrocite...

Cititi, nu fugiti de adevarurile neplacute... La acest baietel care a trait exact 47 de zile, bomba numita vaccin a explodat la putin timp dupa injectare. La copiii vostri s-ar putea ca aceasta bomba sa declanseze niste boli (grave sau nu) peste niste ani de zile. Nu uitati in acele clipe sa luati in considerare si vaccinurile ca posibile cauze. Medicii nu au facut-o in cazul lui Ian, desi cronologia era evidenta!!! Strigator la cer! Nu mai am cuvinte. Cititi si convingeti-va singuri!



ATENTIE: imagini si cuvinte socante!!!! Eu m-am umflat de plans :-((((

duminică, 13 decembrie 2009

Poze de la serbarea de Craciun a firmei

Micul targ de Craciun organizat de firma




Bufetul (adica ce era mai important: desertul!!)



Cu colegele mele: Janna, Tini, Marion. Ne-am fotografiat in fata braduletului, pozand printre picaturi in timp ce radeam ca niste gasculite si ne distram de minune si fara jena, iar colegii nostri mai "delicacati" (avocatii si avocatele) stateau picior peste picior pe canapele si ascultau muzica pianistului...


sâmbătă, 12 decembrie 2009

Ajutor si ajutoare

Ieri am fost la serbarea de Craciun a firmei si prompt azi-noapte m-au luat durerile de gat si acum m-a pocnit o raceala de toata frumusetea, cu curgeri de nas, stranuturi de 10 ori pe ora, arsuri pe gat si in nas, ochi lacrimand, frisoane etc.

Joi mi-a intins scumpa de Anto o mana de ajutor aurita si a venit dupa-amiaza sa stea cateva ore cu David. Eu si Bogdan am apucat sa ne uitam la un "Boston Legal" cat de cat in liniste.

Tot joi am primit de la Tini (colega mea, si ea mamica) sugestia de a solicita o "cura pentru mama si copil" la asigurarile medicale. E vorba de posibilitatea de a merge pentru 3 saptamani intr-o clinica specializata pe problemele mamicilor aflate in criza (depresii, epuizare, burn-out, tulburari de somn, probleme psihice sau psihosomatice, dureri cronice de coloana etc., probleme de greutate, probleme sociale si interpersonale etc.). Medicul de casa trebuie sa prescrie aceasta cura dupa o consultatie amanuntita, iar in clinica se ofera un tratament alcatuit din: consiliere psihologica, gimnastica medicala, masaje, inot, consiliere alimentara, odihna activa, ingrijire a copiilor etc. Culmea coincidentei: taximetristul care m-a dus azi-noapte acasa (pe banii firmei) de la petrecerea de Craciun mi-a recomandat o clinica unde a fost si sotia lui cu fetita lor de 6 ani, e pe malul Marii Baltice si se pare ca e un mic paradis de sanatate... Am sa merg saptamana viitoare sa discut amanuntit cu medicul de familie (care e si el roman) si sa vedem ce se poate face ca sa demaram cat mai repede procedura.

Ieri am vorbit cu terapeuta mea, care mi-a facut o propunere neobisnuita, rugandu-ma ca in perioada asta de depresie si disperare acuta s-o sun zilnic cate 15-20 de minute (fara bani) ca sa-i povestesc cum ma simt, fara sa relatez chestii concrete, ci doar sa-i spun cum ma simt, ce simt; a zis ca si daca timp de 3 saptamani ii voi spune zilnic ca ma simt rau, ca nu mai pot, este absolut ok, dar in timp rutina asta va da rezultate, fiindca voi simti ca am pe cineva care sa ma asculte, cineva competent si care ma cunoaste si care a trecut si el prin ceea ce trec eu acum.

E cumplit sa te simti atat de singur si neinteles, sa vorbesti cu oamenii si sa VEZI din reactia lor ca habar nu au despre ce vorbesti, sa VEZI cum rotitele se rotesc in capul lor fara sa faca clic acolo unde trebuie sau chiar cum expresia fetei li se schimba din cauza ca le este foarte neplacut sa poarte o conversatie autentica si atat de deschisa, in care sa ne aratam cu totii punctele vulnerabile. Nu vreau sa fiu aroganta, dar asta e realitatea: pentru aproape toti ceilalti, ceea ce povestesc eu este ca si cum as vorbi vietnameza cu dialect albanez. Ce-i drept, in cazul unora din parinti constat mai mereu ca de fiecare data abia cand deschid EU o tema delicata si sensibila de genul "Doamne, cat e de greu", apar si de partea cealalta mici, timide confesiuni... Mi se pare trista si tragica teama asta de a vorbi despre ce simtim, teama care este dublata de panica initiala de a observa in primul rand ceea ce simtim! Toti suntem intr-o fuga permanenta de noi insine!

* * * * *

"Stiu ce-mi doresc cu adevarat de Craciun. Imi doresc sa mi se dea copilaria inapoi. Nimeni nu mi-o daruieste... Stiu ca suna irational, dar ce are Craciunul de-a face cu ratiunea? Craciunul are de-a face cu un copil de tare demult si de tare departe si are de-a face cu un copil de acum. In tine si in mine. In dosul usii inimii noastre, acest copil asteapta sa se intample un miracol."
- Robert Fulghum -

vineri, 11 decembrie 2009

Attachment SELF Parenting

Neurosis is always a substitute for the actual suffering
- C.G. Jung -

OK, we all know what Attachment Parenting is about. If you don't have the slightest idea, please go away from this blog!

But how about self parenting for those of us who have grown up being victims of abusive parents day in day out? How do we take care of ourselves? How do we finally learn to respect ourselves, to give ourselves the equal dignity that Jesper Juul asks us to give our children? How do we come out of the vicious circle of anger, pain, shame, guilt, perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy?

After 6 years of therapy and knowing that the only way out is through the pain, I still have to ask myself: how do we confront and endure so much pain? How do we finally get rid of the idealised and internalised parents? How do we dare to be ourselves when we have been manipulated our whole life to be someone else? How do we learn to trust ourselves and our feelings again? How do we learn to accept ourselves the way we are, to love and nurture ourselves the way we are? How do we stop feeling lost and abandoned? How do heal?

duminică, 6 decembrie 2009

I am not a guru


I don't know why, but for quite some time I have had this feeling that I must explain some things about me and my life to those people who mistakenly admire me. First of all, from my experience, admiration can sometimes be very close to hate: if the admired person turns out not to be flawless and, even worse, if you can't live up to your own expectations in respect of what you admire in that person, sooner or later admiration will surely turn to hate. Such is human nature. Some people want to change, but someone else should please do all the hard work, so they can only enjoy the good results. Well, it doesn't work that way.

When I was a child, I was always the leader, no matter with whom or what I played. It had nothing to do with an innate talent for leadership, but definitely with my obsession of being in control. Later on, I was always, again, the one with the initiatives, with the actions, I was always giving advice to somebody, I was always explaining to others what they should do so their lives can get better. I was always the optimistic one, the powerful and "electrifying" one (someone actually used this word to describe me). No wonder that my company was seeked by many.

Sometimes I felt like a guru. No arrogance here, because it cost me too much and I'd rather turn back time and do things differently. People looked up to me, which was of course flattering for the perfectionist that I am, but at the same time they kind of expected me to help solve their problems. And this masked the fact that nobody really liked me for who I was, but only for the impact I had in their lives.

However, since my life started to turn upside down when I broke up with my parents 5-6 years ago, the people who had "liked" me so much also began to disappear, one by one, from my life. Nota bene: I didn't do anything different than what I had done before, I just changed my life and showed others that IT IS POSSIBLE to shape your own destiny, IT IS POSSIBLE to respect yourself and live according to your inner truth. I even tried to help them do the same, tried to take them with me on my wave of changes ...

This time the reactions were different because it was a very deep change, one that destroyed all the foundations of my previous life and opened the way for something new, very different and scaringly true. This time, far from being an example (except for maybe 2-3 persons who had the courage to follow me at least theoretically on this road), most people got scared and shut down their communications systems completely, for fear I would continue to influence them the way I had until then. I can't say I haven't tried, but the doors to their hearts were shut and locked, so I couldn't get to them. The relationships died.

Then I met new people on my new road. People who didn't know me started to write me private messages (yes, on the DC forum), thanking me for being so courageous as to speak out the truth about abuse (especially sexual abuse) and abusive parents. People started telling me their life stories, disclosing their deepest secrets and the pain that they had been carrying in their hearts for so long and that sometimes not even their spouses knew about. At first I was shocked, then pleased, since it confirmed again and again what I was feeling, what I now already KNEW: that most of us have been abused in our childhood, whether we remember it or not.

Anyway, all those messages touched me, so I swallowed the bait and the barb only too willingly. I started - as always - writing back with empathy, consolation and advice. From most of them I only heard again when THEY had something to write about themselves. I even thought I made a few friends, who were writing more frequently (they will know who they are when they read this), but at a closer look (which I took much later) I had to realize that again, the main subject was always the other person, their pain, their problems... I almost never got any answer or even a short comment on what I wrote about me, about my pain, about my inner struggle.

Then came the forum slaughter when I started the fight to open the eyes of the parents who are poisoning their babies with these chemical time bombs called vaccines. Of all the persons who "admired" me so much, this time nobody had the guts to speak out for me, to take my side... so I stopped writing to most of the "friends" that I made through the forum when I realized that it had become a waste of time for everybody. Most of them understood and respected my silence.

A few months ago, however, I had to write one of these persons directly that I don't feel the need to communicate with her anymore. I finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I had never had the feeling of getting something back from such a one-way communication which she even called "friendship". She wrote "Since we cannot be friends anymore, I can only hope that somebody else will help you when you will be in need". Oh, let me guess, she would have helped me if I only accepted to continue to be "friends"???? HOW?? And why didn't this happen before??? Please... Oh yes, she was reading the topic on the forum where I was being slaughtered, I know it because at one time she intervened with a joke on the side of the jackass who had harassed me by inviting me with my son to the cemetery because I was refusing the vaccines. So why didn't she intervene then to stand up for me and my character, if I was her friend??

The mail went on with her manipulatively asking me not to regret having helped her... Excuse me?? I know that it was manipulation because at first I had the impulse of feeling guilty. Then I got a hold of me and realized that SHE was feeling guilty and she just projected this onto me, wanting me to feel guilty for "dropping" her. Of course I was very upset to go through all this, what with my love of harmony and all... But I didn't feel guilty anymore, which is a big progress for me, since my whole life I've been so easy to manipulate with feelings of guilt.

Conclusion: I am not a guru, no matter what other people think of me I don't really want to be admired, I don't really want to teach anybody how to live their lives. My struggle is only MY struggle, everything I feel, think, do and write relates only to my life and I don't have the energy anymore to be an example for anyone. Especially to those who admire me with the pressure of always wanting and expecting something from me. I don't know how to explain this better, but I guess everybody knows what I'm talking about. If you can't like me for who I am, then please leave me alone. Please.

* * * * *

I am very, very down today. Yesterday I cracked, really cracked. On Friday I cried at my hairdresser's, even though the afternoon had started nicely, we talked about nice, easy things... Then I told him about my November blues, my birthday, my father's visit this summer and then I remembered his words: "Do I get the permission to see David? It is only for him that I undertook this long journey"... then I started crying and could only say "What about me, father? What about me? You only have one child and that is me! What about me?"...

Then yesterday evening my best friend called me and I totally lost control, I started crying so badly and I just couldn't stop... I am at the end of my rope, I feel empty and lost and broken and... above all dead tired of everything. I am EXHAUSTED. I feel desperate and don't know where to turn or how to start solving my problems. I don't know how to be a good mother to David, to take care of my inner child and to be a good wife to Bogdan all at the same time. WHEN and how should I do this? Something went very very wrong along this way and I am scared that I won't be able to mend it and save everything, like I always managed until now. The irony of it all is that most parents who live like zombies seem to make it, while Bogdan and I are alive and conscious but our risk of losing everything seems much bigger!!

Anyway, I realize now once again, more bitter than ever, that besides Bogdan I don't have anyone at all that I can really count on. When I am desperate and in need, noone is there for me.

It's true, Mutti has been from time to time of help until now, but because of her husband and the way she is always defending him when he harasses and bullies us, we feel that the price we pay for her small favours of going out with David 2-3 times a week is too big, so we decided to give up asking her. Yesterday she tried to mitigate on behalf of her monster of a husband and I told her to give it up, because she does not really know Bogdan and if he gets really angry, her prick of a husband may be sorry one day. OK, maybe it was a stupid thing to say, but I was very angry and I just wanted her to leave. I was angry because her stupid fuck of a husband cancelled his contract with the cable company and he gave us a shitty receiver with which we can't record anything anymore - I was so pissed yesterday that this asshole found again a way of bullying us... Her answer surprised me: "Oh, I know the other side of Bogdan as well, once I had forgotten my keys and rang your doorbell, then he came out and opened the door and he looked at me with such a look as if he wanted to kill me" ... My comment: "Did this accidentally happen during David's nap?". Of course it had happened during David's nap, we are both like lions when someone disturbs David's nap... She went on telling me that she had felt very offended and she had even cried because of this incident! Incredible!! This woman has been living with the devil every day for 45 years but cries because of a look that an angry father gives her when she wakes his child... I told her that I find it really despicable of her to hold a grudge for something like this and to remind me of it under these circumstances and also that we think it may be best to never look back once we move out of here, to cut all contact with her as well.

We felt we had no choice with Mutti this time, even though it is so sad and hopeless and it breaks my heart to think of David growing up with no grandparents at all... it hurts so much... almost as much as it hurts this little girl that she never had and never will have loving parents...

We decided that we will start looking for a babysitter for David who should come to us and spend 1-2 hours a week playing with him in his room, so that Bogdan and I can have a little time for ourselves. Except David's sleep hours on the weekend (that we mostly use to eat and relax for an hour - always on standby because David sometimes wakes up and cries after 30'), Bogdan and I do not have one single minute just for ourselves. It has come so far that, for instance, watching "Desperate housewives" together (while Mutti was taking David for a walk in his stroller) has become quality time in our relationship. How pathetic is this?

* * * * *

Today I snapped. Mutti came this morning and I told her about our decision not to use her "favours" anymore because of the high price that we have to pay for them. She left, offended again. Bogdan was not home. I started cooking. I had the onions already sizzling in the pot and the meat ready and I still had to cut the potatoes, the carrots and the peppers, David started crying. He was like glue to my legs, I explained him that mommy was busy cooking, but he started crying louder and more insistent. Louder and louder... Bloody vicious circle... I turned on the radio and he got even louder. I was on the verge of losing my temper, so I didn't want to lose control and I took David out of the kitchen and closed the glass door, while explaining that mommy needs some more minutes to finish cooking. Inside I was boiling, I felt again caught in a trap with no way out. Of course David cried even louder, but at least I was alone in the kitchen and could hurry up with the fucking vegetables... I started singing very loud myself... Then I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't stand David's cries anymore so I took him to the bedroom, told him to play (yes, it is like this when you feel you are losing your mind!), turned the radio even louder and returned to the kitchen, where I released 4 or 5 primal screams of 10 seconds or longer, until I felt that my voice was gone. 5 minutes of agony later I took David out, he was crying inconsolably and held on to me as if his life depended on it. There is no way I could have felt guiltier. And I'm wondering: if I can feel so much guilt for an incident like this, how am I supposed not to go crazy with all that is still to come?

Today I hit rock bottom.

luni, 30 noiembrie 2009

Cat de sanatoasa este relatia ta?

Anto a gasit din nou o perla de site (www.aimee.ro) si un articol extraordinar (sunt multe articole extraordinare acolo). Vreau sa-l impartasesc cu toti cei care ma citesc.

Cea mai importanta diferenta intre o relatie functionala si una nefunctionala este urmatoarea: prima incurajeaza cresterea personala, pe cand cea de-a doua are doar urmari distructive, fara nici o legatura cu cresterea personala. O relatie functionala incurajeaza si hraneste pe cei implicati sa infloreasca si sa creasca. Cu toate acestea, o relatie sanatoasa nu este o poveste de genul “si au trait fericiti pana la adanci batraneti”. De multe ori, devine si ea subiectul micilor frictiuni si provocari inerente in orice parteneriat.

Iata mai jos cateva semne ale unei relatii functionale. Sunt lucruri simple, pe care vom fi tentati sa spunem ca le stim si le aplicam de mult timp. Insa va dau un sfat: acordati-va cateva minute si incercati sa bifati care sunt punctele de mai jos pe care le aplicati in relatia dumneavoastra in fiecare zi. Veti avea surprize! Daca incepeti sa aveti remuscari, puneti mana pe telefon, sunati-va partenerul si promiteti-i ca de azi veti face mai mult pentru relatia voastra.

Intr-o relatie aflata pe drumul cel bun, cei doi parteneri:

1. Se incurajeaza reciproc pentru a-si dezvolta noi abilitati si interese:
Partenerii care au o relatie sanatoasa sunt incantati sa vada fericirea celuilalt. Cresterea personala a celuilalt ii face sa se simta impliniti. Se bucura de experientele fascinante ale celuilalt si il incurajeaza pe calea dezvoltarii personale. Intr-o relatie sanatoasa, fiecare din cei doi parteneri se bucura si sprijina cat poate de mult dezvoltarea potentialului celuilalt.

2. Se sprijina emotional in atingerea scopurilor propuse de fiecare in parte:
Daca sotia decide sa reia cursurile la facultate dupa ce copiii au crescut si sotul o sprijina in decizia luata, o incurajeaza in momentele de frustrare si de stres, atunci putem considera faptul ca cei doi au o relatie functionala.

3. Nu se simt amenintati de interesele particulare ale celorlalti
Cand sotul iti spune ca vrea sa-si cumpere o motocicleta, cum te simti? Esti surprinsa si confuza? Sau discutati situatia si cadeti de acord: ca sotul va face cursuri de condus motocicleta, iar sotia nu va fi fortata sa mearga pe asa ceva ci va face alte activitati singura, in acel timp.

4. Au incredere unul in celalalt
Aici exista o diferenta intre increderea oarba si increderea construita. Copiii au incredere oarba in parintii lor, insa ca adultii invatam sa avem incredere prin cunoastere de sine. Cei din jur ne castiga increderea, demonstrandu-ne ca sunt demni de ea. Actiunile lor, nu numai vorbele, ne garanteaza faptul ca ei au un comportament demn de incredere. Increderea in cuplu este esentiala pentru frumusetea unei relatii.

Intr-o astfel de relatie, cei doi parteneri stiu ca: vor ramane loiali si monogami, nu vor face abuzuri emotionale sau fizice asupra partenerului, isi vor tine promisiunile si se va putea conta pe ei, isi vor aduce contributia la indeplinirea scopurilor comune, vor fi cinstiti si nu vor minti, nu-l vor rani pe celalalt in mod intentionat, se vor deschide si isi vor impartasi sentimentele si opiniile cu celalalt.

Cand ai incredere in celalalt, vei fi in siguranta. Stii ca nu vei fi ranit, tradat sau ridiculizat. Pornind de la aceasta incredere, iti poti lasa garda jos si iti poti permite sa fii tu insuti in prezenta partenerului tau, permitand acestui flux de incredere sa curga in viata ta. Nu e nevoie sa te autocenzurezi, sa ai grija ce spui sau sa te prefaci, atat timp cat cuvintele tale sunt calde si nu aduc nici un prejudiciu celui iubit. Iti poti deschide inima. Aceasta incredere profunda si vulnerabilitate de ambele parti sunt esenta unei relatii adevarate, esenta intimitatii: "Am o incredere profunda in mine, astfel incat ma pot simti in siguranta cu tine."

5. Abordeaza problemele cu intentia de a gasi solutii
Cand doi oameni petrec timp impreuna, apar inevitabil diferente de opinie. Modul in care sunt rezolvate aceste diferente face deosebirea intre o relatie functionala si una nefunctionala. Daca simti, de exemplu, ca sotul tau petrece prea mult timp absorbit de slujba lui in comparatie cu timpul acordat familiei, atunci e timpul sa negociezi o solutie. E momentul sa gasiti cai prin care sotul poate sa-si indeplineasca cu succes si sarcinile de lucru si responsabilitatile familiale. Puteti astfel sa va dati seama ca el poate fi ajutat pentru a-si indeplini extrasarcinile pe care le are de facut acasa si astfel va avea timp si pentru familie.

6. Isi asuma fiecare responsabilitatea pentru rolul sau in problemele din relatie

Cand unul dintre parteneri spune : As vrea sa vorbim despre asta”, celalalt partener trebuie sa fie deschis si disponibil pentru a asculta. Intr-o relatie care nu merge, daca unul din ei spune Trebuie sa vorbim” celalalt spune defensiv: Dar n-am facut nimic rau!” sau distant: Stii cat de mult urasc sa vorbim despre problemele noastre.”

7. Isi indeplinesc propriile nevoi si dorinte
Daca un sot sau o sotie vrea ca sa devina voluntar intr-o organizatie pentru ajutorarea celor saraci, atunci trebuie sa stie ca e liber sa o faca, daca prin asta isi indeplineste anumite nevoi profunde. E bine sa aiba si sprijinul partenerului, chiar daca acesta nu prefera sa si faca aceasta activitate. Un simplu: Daca asta iti doresti, atunci fa-o” este cel mai bun lucru pe care il poti spune.

8. Nu dau vina pe partener pentru propria nefericire
"Ceva lipseste din viata mea" este un gand pe care il are oricine din cand in cand. Este un gand care ne poate conduce spre crestere si implinire, sau spre a ne invinui partenerul. Intr-o relatie functionala, partenerii actioneaza pentru a anihila acest sentiment de neimplinire si isi spun: Ce fac gresit sau nu fac deloc de am ajuns in starea asta?”

In relatia nefunctionala, exista tendinta de a-l condamna pe partener pentru propria nefericire. Motto-ul relatiei devine: Ce bine ar fi daca partenerul meu s-ar schimba !” O veste trista insa: daca nu incepem munca de evolutie cu noi insine, nimic nu se va schimba.

9. Isi impartasesc sentimentele deschis, intr-o maniera responsabila si non-abuziva

Sa spunem, de exemplu, ca intr-un cuplu exista divergente referitoare la cresterea copilului. Sotul vrea sa il creasca intr-un stil bazat pe disciplina iar sotia isi doreste pentru copil o copilarie bazata pe acceptare, iubire si incurajare. Cum rezolvam aceasta problema? Cu tipete, amenintari, invinuiri sau manipulare? Sau incercam sa vedem ce a stat la baza acestor preferinte?

Daca il ascultam pe sot, vom vedea ca, cel mai probabil, si el a a avut parinti care s-au bazat pe disciplina in cresterea lui. Foarte probabil nu mai cunoaste o alta metoda si i se pare ca, din moment ce el este un barbat normal, cu bun-simt si principii cat de cat bune de viata, atunci disciplina o sa mearga si pentru copilul lui. La randul ei, sotia a avut parte de acelasi tip de educatie, insa a decis din adolescenta ca isi va creste copiii altfel si le va darui iubirea si acceptarea pe care ea nu le-a primit. Privind astfel situatia, daca am fi in pielea celor doi soti, l-am mai putea condamna pe celalalt? Intotdeauna exista solutii atunci cand il ascultam cu adevarat pe celalalt si incercam sa intelegem si bagajul cu care fiecare intra intr-o relatie.

10. Au consideratie pentru sentimentele celuilalt.

Chiar si in mijlocul unei discutii aprinse, este bine intotdeauna sa atacam problema nu persoana. Sa nu spunem: Esti un nesimtit” ci Cand ai facut asta, nu ai tinut cont de sentimentele mele.” Chiar si cand nervii sunt intinsi la maxim, evita jignirile. Cuvintele negative pot distruge echilibrul increderii intr-o relatie si pot provoca rani adanci.

Este trist, insa uneori dam dovada de mai multa blandete fata de straini decat fata de partenerul nostru! Ne straduim sa vorbim frumos cu seful nostru, iar cand venim acasa varsam toate negativismele in mijlocul casei si jignim persoana care inseamna cel mai mult pentru noi! Daca vi s-a intamplat macar o data, meditati putin asupra acestui lucru. Merita sa ne batem joc de viata noastra atat de mult?

Fara respect nu exista relatie pe termen lung. Iar respectul nu apare din intamplare; el este rezultatul unei decizii si al unei alegeri constiente.

12. Isi pastreaza granitele personale
Intr-o relatie sanatoasa, partenerii stiu ca fiecare este responsabil pentru propria lui stare de bine si ca fiecare trebuie sa fie, individual, cea mai buna persoana care poate fi. In acelasi timp, fiecare trebuie sa-si pastreze un oarecare spatiu personal in care sa i sa permita sa evolueze individual. Fiecare trebuie sa stie:

    • sunt o individualitate separata de a ta;
    • detin controlul asupra vietii mele;
    • am dreptul sa am propriile mele secrete, atat timp cat nu sunt necinstit cu tine si nu te ranesc prin asta;
    • sunt responsabil pentru exprimarea, negocierea si indeplinirea nevoilor mele.

13. Isi pastreaza integritatea si respectul de sine
A avea grija de tine insuti este o investitie care iti va oferi dividende intr-o relatie. Respectul de sine se castiga actionand in acord cu credintele si valorile tale. Ati fost vreodata implicati intr-o relatie in care celalalt avea un respect de sine scazut? Daca ati fost, ati observat desigur ca o astfel de relatie este sortita esecului de la bun inceput.
O relatie sanatoasa nu se poate desfasura decat intre doi oameni cu respect de sine ridicat. Fiecare partener are obligatia sa faca tot ce este necesar pentru a-si mentine integritatea.

14. Sunt dispusi sa investeasca timp si energie in relatie
O persoana cu probleme va fugi atunci cand apare primul pas catre un conflict intr-o relatie. O relatie sanatoasa presupune efort si angajament din partea ambilor parteneri. O relatie sanatoasa, pe termen lung, este mult mai putin stresanta decat mai multe relatii disfunctionale pe termen scurt la un loc. Prima produce crestere personala, pe cand relatia disfunctionala are efect nociv asupra vietilor oamenilor.

Fiecare trebuie sa-si ia propria decizie in legatura cu aceasta problema. Care este alegerea ta, cand vine vorba de conflicte si probleme intr-o relatie? Daca partenerul tau este compatibil cu tine si este o persoana de incredere, vei ramane alaturi si atunci cand sunt momente grele? Este relatia ta indeajuns de buna astfel incat sa fii in stare sa platesti pretul unor probleme ocazionale? Si aici nu ma refer la rolul de martir si victima. Am vazut deja faptul ca aceste roluri trebuie excluse dintr-o relatie sanatoasa. Vorbesc despre a face fata problemelor, a negocia solutii si a face munca necesara pentru a merge mai departe.

15. Raman onesti si credibili
Sa presupunem ca un cuplu care sa intalneste de doi ani discuta posibilitatea de a sta impreuna. Ea are dubii, deoarece crede ca a sta impreuna inainte de casatorie este imoral. Parintii mei sunt impotriva acestui lucru”, spune ea. Dar prietenul meu spune ca nu va fi gata sa ne casatorim pana nu incercam sa vedem daca suntem compatibili. Mi-e frica sa nu ne despartim daca nu fac pasul asta.”

Iata un cuplu care deja are probleme. Nu sunt pregatiti mici sa stea impreuna, nici sa se casatoreasca. Faptul ca ea nu este cinstita cu el in privinta convingerilor ei fundamentale sta la baza acestei probleme. Intr-o relatie sanatoasa, cei doi ar vorbi deschis si ar gasi solutii precum:

    • ar participa la consiliere premaritala, pentru a-si explora nevoile, valorile, scopurile si compatibilitatea;
    • ar putea stabili data nuntii si ar stabili sa se mute impreuna dupa nunta;
    • ar putea hotari ca nu sunt compatibili si s-ar desparti.

16. Daruiesc, fara sa-si puna in pericol respectul de sine sau propriile nevoi:
Dupa ce tanjesc barbatii si femeile cel mai mult? Nu dupa cadouri scumpe si calatorii, desi ar fi apreciate si acestea. Ce isi doresc barbatii si femeiile este un partener grijuliu, iubitor, capabil sa negocieze intr-o relatie echitabila.

Cum daruim in cuplu, pastrand limitele normale ale respectului de sine si ale respectului fata de partener:

    • fiecare respecta valorile si stilul celuilalt;
    • fiecare incearca sa inteleaga punctul de vedere al partenerului si sa sustina dreptul celuilalt de a avea opinii diferite;
    • fiecare cauta egalitatea; nu isi asuma un rol superior de parinte in raport cu copilul;
    • fiecare isi aduce aminte de nevoile celuilalt si de lucrurile care ii fac placere.

Alte semne ale unei relatii sanatoase:

17. Partenerii sunt loiali
O relatie nu poate supravietui atunci cand partenerii isi investesc energia in aventuri, chiar daca uneori mai poate fi salvata si dupa un asemenea eveniment.

18. Partenerii sunt dispusi sa faca fata comportamentelor disfunctionale si inacceptabile.

Intr-o relatie sanatoasa, e bine sa pui problemele pe masa pentru a fi discutate si negociate. Ca intr-o discutie de afaceri, unde partenerii vorbesc despre cum sa mareasca profitul, intr-o relatie functionala se va vorbi despre moduri de a creste nivelul de implinire sufleteasca.

19. Intimitatea

Un parteneriat sanatos se naste atunci cand cei doi sunt liberi sa fie ei insisi, fara sa se cenzureze sau sa se ingrijoreze. Fiecare este grijuliu si bun cu celalalt, si nu are nici un motiv sa pretinda ca este altcineva decat este in realitate. Aceasta se numeste cu adevarat intimitate si incredere.

20. Negocierea responsabilitatilor
Ambii parteneri trebuie sa aiba responsabilitati in curatenia casei, asigurarea unui venit suficient, pastrarea masinii curate, gatit, etc.

22. Ascultare activa
E nevoie sa-l facem pe celalalt sa stie ca suntem interesati de ceea ce spune.

24. Angajament pentru o relatie pe termen lung

Un cuplu sanatos isi ia angajamentul sa lucreze asupra relatiei. Realizeaza ca uneori nu vor avea opinii comune, insa sunt deschisi sa negocieze aceste diferente.

25. Lucreaza impreuna pentru scopuri comune

Intr-o relatie sanatoasa, scopurile comune se pot inscrie in multe categorii: a creste copii, a construi o companie, a lua o casa, a economisi, etc.

In concluzie, relatia sanatoasa presupune: bunatate, suport emotional, vulnerabilitate, intelegere, respect, incredere, curtoazie, onestitate, monogamie, consideratie, continuitate, egalitate, credibilitate.

Relatia disfunctionala presupune: atacuri, ura, isterie, control, neincredere, dependenta, necinste, inselatorie, despartiri repetate, dorinta de a invinge sau de a condamna.

* * * * *

Sursa: Aimée - resurse pentru dezvoltare personala si evolutie spirituala
www.aimee.ro

sâmbătă, 28 noiembrie 2009

Ganduri frumoase de la o prietena


De curand am neglijat ziua de nastere a unei prietene. E o prietena buna, desi in ultimii ani contactul cu ea a fost mai mult sporadic. Inainte ea era cea care scria rar si scurt, o inteleg fiindca stiu ca atunci cand scriem despre viata noastra trebuie sa constientizam lucruri de care poate noi fugim. Ea a avut probleme mari, mult zbucium si suferinta in ultimii ani.

Cand i-am scris ca sa-mi cer iertare ca nu o felicitasem la timp de ziua ei si i-am povestit despre depresia profunda in care ma aflu, mi-a raspuns printre altele: "Te rog, aduna-te si tine-te strans intr-o bucata, ai incredere in tine si in Bogdan, asa cum ai avut si inainte de venirea Daviducului pe lume si crede cu tarie in legile naturii: nu exista ca dupa furtuna sa nu iasa soarele, eventual si cu un curcubeu de toata frumusetea!!! Tu esti o luptatoare si ai puterea sa renasti din propria cenusa de cate ori iti este necesar, Feliz, regaseste-te pe tine, pune viata la pamant, pune-i genunchiul in gat si arata-i cine e seful!! Asa te stiu, dupa fiecare cadere te-ai ridicat si te-ai dus mai departe, purtandu-i si pe altii in spate. E normal sa obosesti si sa te impotmolesti, e omeneste, nu permite nimanui sa te judece si nu te judeca nici tu, acorda-ti pauza de care ai nevoie cand simti ca e prea mult - si nu are cum sa nu fie bine pe urma."

Mi-a facut tare bine ca s-a asezat langa mine, in simpatie.



vineri, 27 noiembrie 2009

Ce fac in timpul meu liber

Cum care timp liber? Pai dimineata mai fur cam o ora, o ora si ceva cat mai doarme David. Apoi, printre picaturi, cand el se mai joaca langa mine si nu ma solicita. Apoi cand el mai doarme dupa-amiaza aproape doua ore. Si apoi seara, cand il mai preia si Bogdan vreo doua ore. Da, per total orele trec cam cu pistolul in ceafa, caci tot timpul stau in standby sa sar daca e ceva, dar intre timp am invatat sa ma mai relaxez si imi e ceva mai bine.

Deci ce fac?

Creez layout-uri pentru blogul meu de scrapping. Mai nou sunt membra in doua CT-uri (Creative Team) pentru mai multi designeri si m-am obligat sa creez pentru fiecare din ei cate 2 layout-uri pe luna, pe care sa le postez pe vreo 4-5 galerii de scrapping.

Prelucrez fotografiile cu Photoshop ca sa iasa "mumoase".

Creez asa-numitele "extractions" in Photoshop, adica siluetele "decupate" pe care apoi le asez in diverse layout-uri. De cand a inceput David sa mearga singurel, am reusit sa-i facem multe poze dragute in care merge sau sta singurel, asa ca am si eu mai mult material de lucru ;-)

Creez colaje cu fotografiile pe care i le fac lui David, ca sa le developez pentru album.

Incarc fotografiile pe homepage-ul lui David si actualizez si acolo blogul lui David.

Creez layout-uri pentru calendarul pe 2010, care anul asta va fi singurul cadou pe care toti prietenii mei il vor primi de la mine.

Mai citesc un blog-doua.

Iar in timp ce doarme David, mananc, ma uit la un serial si scriu in jurnal in acelasi timp.

Of...

joi, 26 noiembrie 2009

Citesc, citesc

Din autobiografia lui Agassi, dupa un meci pierdut in adolescenta, pierdere care l-a durut pana in maduva:

"After years of hearing my father rant at my flaws, one loss has caused me to take up his rant. I've internalized my father - his impatience, his perfectionism, his rage - until his voice doesn't just feel like my own, it is my own. I no longer need my father to torture me. From this day on, I can do it all by myself".***

Exact cum descrie el m-am simtit si ma simt si eu in raport cu mama. De o viata intreaga. De cand ma stiu. Am internalizat toata critica si nemultumirea ei referitoare la persoana mea, iar tiranul interior care a capatat dimensiuni spatiale si care ma tortureaza neintrerupt imi sopteste si acum cu voce de foc: "Esti urata, esti grasa, esti lenesa, pute pamantul sub tine, nu esti buna de nimic, esti o putoare" - exact ca mesajele "dragastoase" pe care le primeam de la mama.

______________________________
***Asa vorbeste un om care a fost in terapie. Bravo lui!

marți, 24 noiembrie 2009

Marile NU-uri (continuare)

In discutia avuta mai zilele trecute cu Mutti despre depresia mea, iata cum a incercat ea catre final sa ma consoleze: "Ei, lasa, o sa fie bine... Uite, ai copilul..." - la care mie deja mi s-a ridicat iar sangele in cap!

De aceea, continuam cu marile NU-uri:

7. NU faceti copii ca sa va umpleti viata (altminteri goala)!! Un copil nu este un surogat de traire proprie, un copil nu este nici scopul nici "oxigenul" vietii nimanui (ai auzit, Dida?), un copil nu este un instrument, un obiect de joaca sau de dresat, un copil este o fiinta separata, individualizata, cu nevoi si sentimente proprii care trebuiesc respectate ca atare.

8. NU il faceti responsabil pe copil pentru propria voastra fericire sau nefericire!! Un copil nu are nici o raspundere si nici o obligatie fata de voi, problemele voastre sunt exclusiv ale voastre si se cer rezolvate exclusiv de voi! Iar asta pana la ultima rasuflare!

9. NU va comportati fata de copiii vostri ca si cum ati fi VOI niste copii rasfatati! Nu proiectati asupra copilului vostru sentimente pe care voi le-ati reprimat la voi in propria copilarie si acum simtiti nevoia sa le anulati si la copilul vostru!! Ma refer la manifestarile de sensibilitate, teama, retinere, dorinta de a fi altfel decat il vor cei din jur etc. Copilul vostru nu este "rasfatat" sau "dl. Goe" decat daca VOI faceti greseli majore. Faptul ca factura vine cu intarziere nu va micsoreaza responsabilitatea!

10. Nu va tratati copilul ca si cum ar fi o extensie a persoanei voastre! Nu incercati sa traiti cu procura viata copilului vostru, un copil nu este premiera unei vieti noi pentru voi dupa ce ati ratat toate reprezentarile din teatrul propriu! Nu incercati sa-l controlati si sa-i ghidati personalitatea dupa criteriile voastre!

11. Nu cautati la copilul vostru iubirea pe care nu ati primit-o de la propriii parinti! Este o incercare egoista si narcisista si inutila.

sâmbătă, 21 noiembrie 2009

Remora vietii noastre


"Cea mai necunoscuta noua dintre toate patimile este inertia. Inertia este cea mai arzatoare si mai maligna dintre toate, desi intensitatea ei este insesizabila, iar ravagiile pe care le produce sunt bine ascunse. Daca vom observa cu atentie puterea cu care actioneaza inertia, vom constata ca la fiecare ocazie ea ne stapaneste sentimentele, interesele si placerile; ea este ca remora care detine puterea de a frana cele mai mari vapoare; este ca o acalmie care aduce cu moartea si e mai periculoasa decat stancile si furtunile. Calmul inertiei este o magie secreta a sufletului, care reuseste sa imobilizeze concomitent cele mai zeloase eforturi si cele mai consecvente hotarari. Pentru a descrie adevarata imagine a acestei patimi, trebuie sa spunem ca inertia este un fel de beatitudine a sufletului care il consoleaza pentru toate pierderile si ii inlocuieste toate valorile. O beatitudine maligna, pe care o platim cu un pret incredibil de mare..."

Textul asta l-am primit de la terapeuta mea acum cativa ani (din pacate nu-i mai stia autorul).

Este vorba de progresul sufletesc si de implinirea destinului personal. Cand constientizam ceva, trebuie sa urmeze intotdeauna si o actiune in concordanta cu constientizarea respectiva. Anumite constientizari sunt atat de puternice, incat oamenii sunt siliti sa actioneze in consecinta, insa de cele mai multe ori a constientiza ceva nu atrage dupa sine si schimbarea necesara de comportament, de mentalitate, de atitudine interioara si exterioara.

Inertia nu este lene, nota bene! Inertia este ramanerea in tipare si obisnuinte vechi, in ritualuri cunoscute si paracunoscute, in dependente care ne leaga de maini si de picioare.

Dintr-o perspectiva de suprafata, trebuie sa practicam o igiena sufleteasca, adica sa exersam constant ceea ce am constientizat, pana cand noul ne va deveni obisnuinta. La un nivel mai profund, totul este mult mai mult decat atat. Omul este o fiinta spirituala care tinde sa se dezvolte mai departe, sa progreseze... Capacitatea de a constientiza este un instrument in acest proces, iar a deveni si a ramane "treaz" in propria viata, adica a anula vocile instantelor interioare tiranice mostenite de la parinti si a trai in conformitate cu constientizarile de la maturitate, se cheama cu adevarat progres sufletesc.

Daca mi-a reusit pana acum, nu vad cum nu mi-ar reusi si in continuare.
Vorba aia, when you hit bottom you go up 'cause there is nowhere else to go ;-)

joi, 19 noiembrie 2009

Bataie de aripi. In cadere libera


Astazi e ziua mea, zi frumoasa ca mine...

Hahaha, ce gluma buna ;-((

Da, a fost foarte cald pentru noiembrie, afara a fost un soare orbitor si un cer senin ca sufletul unui copil. Afara...

Inauntru e un suflet de copil care si-a adunat ani de zile toate puterile pentru o imensa bataie de aripi cu care intr-o buna zi a zburat departe, departe de rau, de durere... Asa credea. Asa spera.

O fetita pierduta... Ce facem cu nevinovatia si puritatea acestui suflet? Mai are cineva nevoie de asa ceva in ziua de azi? Le-am putea scoate la licitatie?

Un suflet facut tandari... Cum sa mai facem bilantul ca sa ramana ceva pe plus? Putere, speranta...

DURERE dincolo de zid
A fost oare viata mea viata?
Ce e VIATA?
Viata in spatele zidului e sigura -
sa nu simti ceea ce simti - sa nu fii in pericol...
Si daca viata mea a fost o frauda?
Daca durerea e in MINE
si a fost dintotdeauna acolo,
atunci viata mea a fost o frauda fata de mine insami!
Daca durerea e in MINE,
ce mai ramane?
Ce ramane cand durerea nu mai poate fi indurata?
Cand in afara de durere nu mai ramane nimic?...

* * * * *

Lumina aceea magica si unica din ochii unui copil fericit...

Unde si cand am pierdut-o?

Peaceful feeling by NewlifeDreams Designs
Photo by unknown
Wordart by me

marți, 17 noiembrie 2009

In valtoarea unei varste false


Ploua neintrerupt afara, ca in sufletul meu...

In ultimele 3 zile am trecut prin multe stari alternative de furie si durere. Sambata am fost la terapie. Mi-a facut tare bine sa ies din casa mai multe ore, sa mai vad si eu alti oameni prin Frankfurt, desi pe de alta parte totul mi s-a parut ca pe o planeta straina, ciudata... Ma simt ca si cum as fi fost decupata dintr-o carte si lipita in alta, ale carei pagini nu se mai potrivesc cu nimic din ceea ce cunosteam pana acum...

Am povestit la terapie despre noiembrie (luna mortilor, conform traditiei), despre depresia mea pronuntata pe care o traiesc doar printre picaturi si pe apucate, despre "cadoul" parintilor mei de ziua mea (care nici nu putea fi o dovada mai buna ca acesti oameni sunt pur si simplu incapabili de schimbare si nu au ce cauta in viata mea),

Apoi am ajuns la o discutie avuta cu Mutti zilele trecute. Mutti m-a vazut trista si m-a intrebat ce am. I-am spus ca sunt depresiva, iar la raspunsul ei pe care l-am simtit ca o acuzatie ("Dar parca ti-era mai bine, nu ti-era mai bine????"), i-am explicat pentru a 185.397-a oara ca o depresie nu e ca o raceala care se vindeca in cateva saptamani, ci vine in valuri - mai mici sau mai mari - in functie de diverse triggere care provoaca diferite reactii emotionale. Asta in cazul fericit cand ti-ai deschis canalele sufletului si nu te anesteziezi cu antidepresive, cum face ea (care reuseste "performanta" de a fi depresiva in ciuda antidepresivelor!).

I-am relatat despre plicurile de la tata si despre mascarada de "cadouri", iar in timp ce povesteam simteam cum creste din nou furia in mine pe acesti doi zombie care imi sunt parinti, dar care imi sunt atat de straini de parca nu ne-am fi cunoscut niciodata in viata asta. Am izbucnit, am perorat in disperare, dupa care m-a pocnit iar plansul. In starea asta m-am dus la terapie.

N-am avut nici o revelatie zguduitoare, durerea este tot cea veche, aceeasi care face ravagii in mine de o viata intreaga... Singura constatare suplimentara a fost ca eu in perioada asta par a fi prizoniera unei varste emotionale aflate intre 10 si 18 ani. Am identificat granitele astfel: cam pe la 10 ani am inceput eu sa realizez ca ceva nu era in ordine in acea familie, ca nu primeam iubire, pe la 10 ani am inceput sa reprim tot mai mult, in timp ce ma revoltam tot mai mult impotriva mamei, care raspundea cu tipicele revarsari de ura si violenta a caror intensitate psihicul meu a ingropat-o atat de adanc incat nu stiu daca voi mai avea vreodata acces la acele amintiri; 18 ani este varsta la care tata a vrut ca eu sa ma opresc din evolutie, varsta "ideala" de prietena a lui de stadion si de meciuri la TV, varsta la care el continua sa ma vada si acum, deoarece ii lipseste capacitatea de a ma percepe asa cum sunt, cum am devenit, cum m-am schimbat.

Se poate spune ca mama m-a vrut toata viata ca pe o fetita de maximum 10 ani (ideal la vreo 3-4 ani, inca usor de manipulat si de mintit, inca suficient de dulcica si papusica pentru a-i trezi ei o oarecare "afectiune" de mama-maimuta - vezi expresia potrivita in germana, aceea de Affenliebe), iar tata m-a vrut si ma vrea si acum ca pe o eterna adolescenta care sa-i insenineze lui zilele impartasindu-i pasiunea pentru fotbal si muzica... De aceea eu acum, cand incerc sa evadez din prezent fiindca nu mai suport atata durere, ma refugiez emotional in stadiul (pre-)adolescentin si ma dedic hobby-ului meu de scrapping pana la pierderea de sine, pana la anestezierea totala.

Lucrez la iesirea din capcana.

duminică, 15 noiembrie 2009

Clipa, mai stai!

Sa cimentez clipa...

Clipele dulci din zorii zilei, cand esti intins in pat langa mine, pe trei sferturi inca adormit, eu iti tin biberonul si tu bei cu acele inghitituri regulate care pentru mine sunt cele mai adorate si linistitoare sunete pe pamant... si in timp ce bei, manutele tale se plimba a mangaiere somnoroasa si confuza pe chipul si capsorul tau...

Clipele delicate de dinaintea trezirii, cand te cuibaresti cu capsorul pe carnea moale si fierbinte dintre umarul si bratul meu si respiram amandoi la unison...

Clipele induiosatoare de dupa trezire, cand tu vii si ma mangai cu manuta ta pe obraz, cum ai invatat de la mine...

Clipele gingase de dupa sculare, cand te iau in brate si tu - inca amortit de somn - iti lasi capsorul imediat pe umarul meu, insetat de inca o imbratisare care sa-ti dea toata dragostea si caldura pentru a infrunta o noua zi pe propriile picioare...

Clipele vesele cand mergem la plimbare, tu agatat de mana mea si strangandu-mi degetele pana aproape de durere, cand tu iti manifesti curiozitatea si bucuria pentru fiecare frunza mai deosebita, pentru fiecare pasare care trece in zbor peste copaci, pentru fiecare lumina pe care o vezi, pentru fiecare caine care ne iese in cale si pe care ai invatat sa-l mangai cu drag, pentru fiecare autobuz care trece si pe care-l identifici cu un victorios "TAA!", pentru fiecare bancuta de care te poti sprijini cateva momente, pentru fiecare pas pe care-l poti face singur cu avantul tau de nestavilit...

Clipele tandre cand stau langa tine ca sa adormi la pranz, dupa ce ne alintam si ne jucam si tu imi arati manutele si degetutele si apoi imi sufli razand acel "Haaaa" ca o boare de vant de care ne amuzam amandoi copios...

Clipele pretioase cand ne pregatim sa adormim seara si ne ghemuim unul intr-altul, tu cu spatele la mine, in timp ce eu iti masez usor capsorul si iti ingan cate un cantec de leagan...

Clipele...

vineri, 13 noiembrie 2009

Looking back in more anger

De ce vrea tata impacare? Fiindca nu mai suporta o situatie asupra careia nu are controlul. Fiindca il ucid remuscarile si vrea absolutiune. Fiindca vrea ca lucrurile sa fie din nou asa cum au fost.

Azi am vorbit la terapie despre laitmotivul "sa trecem peste". Apropos de "impacari", reluarea relatiilor samd. Terapeuta m-a intrebat CINE are cel mai mare interes sa se treaca peste. Ei, cine? FAPTASII, intotdeauna FAPTASII, ABUZATORII. Ei sunt singurii care nu mai suporta presiunea si vor impacare, iertare, dupa care sa se treaca, fraticule, la ordinea de zi, ca prea s-au perpelit mult!

De ce sa trecem PESTE? Dar cum ramane cu ce e DEDESUBT? Pai dedesubt sunt faptele abuzatorilor, astea trebuie trecute cu vederea, maturate sub covor si apoi "uitate". Ca s-o putem lua de la capat in aceeasi nota.

Ei bine, NU!

joi, 12 noiembrie 2009

miercuri, 11 noiembrie 2009

O sinucidere si o autobiografie - Ridicarea mastilor



Portarul nationalei de fotbal germane, Robert Enke, s-a sinucis ieri. Avea numai 32 de ani. Se pare ca suferea de mai multi ani de depresie, unul din motivele agravarii acesteia fiind acela ca fetita lui murise in 2006, din cauza unui defect congenital al inimii, la varsta de doi anisori. In luna mai a anului curent, el si sotia lui adoptasera o fetita de 2 luni. Oare exista vreun surogat pe lumea asta pentru propriul copil pierdut? Dar pentru propriul suflet ratacit? Oh, Doamne... Odihneasca-se in pace amandoi!

Am citit ca foarte putini oameni cunosteau zbaterile acestui tanar care nu a mai putut sa se ascunda, dar nici sa mai suporte durerile sufletesti. I-a fost teama sa se trateze psihologic, fiindca nu voia sa se "interpreteze" asta ca semn de slabiciune si sa-si pericliteze cariera sportiva. Un alt fotbalist care declarase public in 2003 ca sufera de depresii si vrea sa se trateze, Sebastian Deisler, a fost nevoit sa-si incheie cariera in 2007, fiindca nu s-a putut reintegra in lumea fotbalistica.

Ce lume trista e asta! Sa renunti la viata pentru ca nu mai poti purta o masca si te temi de dezaprobarea "lumii" ca s-o dai jos! Sa te simti atat de singur, neiubit si neinteles incat sa nu mai vezi nici o alta cale de iesire decat sa te arunci in fata unui tren...

* * * * *
O cu totul alta varianta a eliberarii de masca o intalnim la Andre Agassi, care tocmai si-a publicat autobiografia sportiva cu titlul sugestiv OPEN.

Jos palaria, demult n-am mai citit un interviu atat de personal si autentic precum cel de mai jos. Va las sa va convingeti singuri si ma duc sa-mi comand cartea ;-))

'I Really Hated Tennis'

Tennis legend Andre Agassi recently published "Open," a no-holds-barred memoir of growing up to become a reluctant champion. In an interview with SPIEGEL, Agassi speaks about how his father forced him to play a sport he never liked, how he used fake hair and crystal meth, and how his wife -- Steffi Graf -- has brought this high-flyer down to Earth.
SPIEGEL: Mr. Agassi, is it possible for a happy person to win Wimbledon?
Andre Agassi: For me, it's hard to imagine.
SPIEGEL: Roger Federer seems to actually enjoy playing.
Agassi: Yes, maybe. But, in my world, this is impossible. The maximum were short moments of peace during a match which we, the players, used to call "the Zone." But you couldn't plan it. It was never constant. And it went by very fast.
SPIEGEL: Does a tennis professional have to be obsessed? Must there be some kind of trauma for him or her to be good?
Agassi: While I was winning Wimbledon, I felt like I would die. I feared to fail; I feared embarrassment.
SPIEGEL: Are you and your wife, Steffi Graf, similar in this regard?
Agassi: Oh, no, there are a lot of differences. Stefanie is much more secure, much clearer and stronger than me.
SPIEGEL: Could you learn something from her?
Agassi: The way she faces and confronts her fears, how she lives the way she wants to live -- I did not know this was possible. She was the one to show me, with her life, how to care about something every day. This, too, was new to me. Or, in sports, she told me: "Stop thinking; it's about feeling."
SPIEGEL: What did she mean?
Agassi: You have to be so conditioned, so practiced, that your thinking is removed, and you're just reacting intuitively, without constantly questioning everything. I'm a thinker by nature, much too complicated. My father tried to forbid thinking, and I tried to analyze my thinking away. Nobody ever said anything about feeling. Stefanie taught me that you have to be patient with yourself, you have to just let go. She taught me not to stand in my own way. I became famous so fast; but, in some ways, I grew up so slow.
SPIEGEL: Both of you were drilled by fathers who wanted to control everything.
Agassi: What is right is that both of us were in our fathers' hands. I told a lot of people that I hated tennis -- seriously and strongly hated it -- and they all tried to talk me out of it: "Ah, that is not right, Andre; in fact you love tennis, don't you?" Do you want to know what Stefanie said: "Don't we all?"
SPIEGEL: Did you tell each other the stories of your sufferings?
Agassi: I was the better talker; she was the better listener. But we did not have to explain everything.
SPIEGEL: You knew?
Agassi: We both knew a lot, yes. But there is a very significant difference between us: Stefanie wanted to play tennis, it was her decision; and I did not, but I had to. For me it was the wrong life; it was not mine.
SPIEGEL: In Germany, Peter Graf has been seen as a diabolical father who stole his daughter's childhood.
Agassi: But it wasn't like that. It was her choice. Stefanie did not have to give up her family or her childhood, whereas I was sent to a training academy in Florida. And, from that moment on, I had no friends and no mom anymore. No, this story and this image are wrong. Of course, sometimes she was sick of it; but, in general, she loved the sport she happened to be great at.
SPIEGEL: Your father, Emmanuel, is an Armenian-Iranian immigrant, who speaks five languages…
Agassi: … and none of them fluently. He mixes letters: "Vork your wolley!"
SPIEGEL: A violent man?
Agassi: Yes, very much so. And choleric. He used to have an axe handle in the car and sometimes a pistol. I was there when he knocked people unconscious with whom he had gotten into stupid debates about who had had the right-of-way.
A Fight Between Fathers
SPIEGEL: How does he actually get along with Peter Graf?
Agassi: They only met once; they were standing in our garden. Peter had just told my dad that he should have taught me Steffi's slice and that I would have been even better. And then my dad said: "Bullshit. Steffi should have learned Andre's two-handed backhand, and she would have won 32 Grand Slam finals." Suddenly they were in front of each other, shadowboxing. Peter is funnier and more subtle, so I was not worried about him when he said: "I'll knock you out." I was worried about my dad because I knew how he normally reacted to things like that. Peter actually took off his shirt. It was surreal.
SPIEGEL: Two former boxers, I guess.
Agassi: And I had to step in. Luckily, Stefanie was not there.
SPIEGEL: Is it true that, as a child, you had a mobile of tennis balls hanging above your bed?
Agassi: Yes. And, from my look, my father claims he could tell how gifted I was.
SPIEGEL: Did you ever get beaten up?
Agassi: Yes.
SPIEGEL: And there really was the ball machine you called "The Dragon"?
Agassi: Yes -- 2,500 balls per day. One million per year were supposed to make me impossible to beat.
SPIEGEL: Did you ever receive any praise? Or was it all criticism?
Agassi: After three losses in three Grand Slam finals, I finally won -- against Goran Ivanisevic, in Wimbledon. When I called home and told my dad, he said: "How could you lose the fourth set?"
SPIEGEL: When you retired, you and your wife seemed to disappear into a quiet private life. Why did you have to write a book now? Did you miss the public stage?
Agassi: No, even though I have lived a public life, I am a private and shy person who has learned to find cover. The rebellion of my early years…
SPIEGEL: … when you drove a white Corvette and wore jeans on the court and did not go to Wimbledon because of the old men's rules…
Agassi: …were just my way of trying to disappear, nothing else.
SPIEGEL: You got killed in public for it.
Agassi: Very much so, right. Sportswriters wrote that I couldn't deliver. Then, there was the Canon commercial claiming "Image is everything," which stuck to me for years. To be permanently judged by colleagues, the media and the public was horrifying. And the worst was what Boris Becker said after beating me in the '95 Wimbledon semifinal: that nobody liked me, that I was an elitist, that tournament directors were giving me special treatment, and that I was not able to win on a windy outside court. It hurt, it was personal, and it left a deep wound.
SPIEGEL: Unlike Steffi Graf or yourself, Boris Becker seems to not have recovered from ending his career. He seems to be lost and an easy victim of the media. Ten years ago, feeling sorry for Boris would have been unimaginable. Do the two of you still have a relationship? Are there things you talk about?
Agassi: I like Boris, and if we had dinner today, we would both say that the unfriendly feelings we had for each other back then is long past and that we both talked like juveniles. But our lives are not connected anymore. We just see each other at various ceremonies on some center court every once in a while for three minutes. That's all.
SPIEGEL: For years, the rivalry between you and Pete Sampras was magical to a worldwide audience. Is there still a connection between the two of you?
Agassi: There is a lot of respect. I believe that, without Pete, I would have won more and learned less.
SPIEGEL: He appears to have been as driven as you were. He had to sleep in ice-cold rooms in total darkness. Was he obsessed or traumatized, as well?
Agassi: We were all driven. And, of course, there is something strange about tennis: Egocentric and narcissistic behavior can win; torture and the isolation of players may lead you to the top. Pete and I shared our life and our fate; we were together all year long. But we were lonely. If there was not the net separating us, there was a wall.
SPIEGEL: There were some players -- like Michael Chang -- whom you just couldn't stand.
Agassi: Well, yes, I didn't like him. He thanked God for his points! As if God would not have better things to do.
SPIEGEL: What about Jim Courier? Did he give you any respect?
Agassi: We grew up side-by-side in Nick Bollettieri's tennis camp, and both of us wanted to reach the top. When he beat me, he put on his running shoes and went jogging -- because playing Agassi, you didn't even sweat. Respect? No.
Why He Wrote 'Open'
SPIEGEL: You were called arrogant.
Agassi: I know, but the truth is that I did not know who I was. I was afraid of losing, of the blame and the jokes, of the public and of my father. I really hated tennis.
SPIEGEL: Then why did you write this book?
Agassi: I felt like I had a lot of things to say. I felt that there are a lot of people who wake up in a life they didn't choose. There's a lot of grown-ups that are in a marriage they don't want to be in. There's a lot of teenagers trying hopelessly to understand themselves. And I felt a book could be a platform to give people hope, inspiration and the tools to better their life.
SPIEGEL: Isn't that a bit much? That sounds like a missionary's approach.
Agassi: Well, if I did not believe that people might learn a lot about me -- and maybe a lot about themselves -- through my story, I wouldn't have done it.
SPIEGEL: I guess you didn't need the money, did you?
Agassi: (laughs) I have a lot more to lose than to gain with what I've written. I put endorsements on the line, but also my reputation, my character -- or how it is perceived -- and some relationships. What do you think of the book?
SPIEGEL: It seems rare and special. Books by or about athletes usually just stay on the surface. They go from victory to victory and, along the road, you are served up cliched lessons like "Always focus on the next point." Your book is stronger: It reaches deeper, and it doesn't spare anyone.
Agassi: Yes, while I do not spare others, I certainly do not spare myself.
SPIEGEL: The Australian novelist Lily Brett once said: "If you write a book, you've got to write your heart out."
Agassi: You've got one chance to tell your story; you've got to give it all you've got. It's like in sports or when you are pregnant or when you become a father: You have to commit without fearing failure. I had no idea where this would lead me. I knew the different stories of my life but not the meaning, not the story of it all. I had the pearls but no idea what the necklace would look like.
SPIEGEL: Books on sports are usually a lot like cheating: There are five or six interviews, and then a ghostwriter sits down and pens something nice -- and everybody makes money.
Agassi: Maybe, but I wanted something different. When I went into retirement three years ago, I was reading this book called "The Tender Bar" and rationing its pages because it was giving me an escape from a lot of the feelings I was going through. It was so powerful. I wondered if my life -- looked at through a literary lens -- could impact somebody the way this book impacted me. What would my life look like through a real deep analytical view of my psyche and my contradictions?
SPIEGEL: So you approached Moehringer without an advance payment or a publishing contract?
Agassi: Yes, I reached out to this author, J.R. Moehringer, and he did not want to do it. He was flattered and honored, but he didn't seem to think this was something that could work. Then we just started talking anyway. After a while, we started taping the conversations; and, from there, it just went on. We had the tapes transcribed and organized; it was several hundred hours. We read old news stories, watched the old videos, and talked to people who had been on this journey with me. J.R. wrote the first draft. Then we set down together and formed the story. It took eight versions and over three years.
Fake Hair and Crystal Meth
SPIEGEL: You write about using drugs.
Agassi: But there are two sorts of drugs: First, there is doping -- performance-enhancing drugs. And I know that, in tennis, they test you extremely often. This sport is clean. Then, there are other drugs that do not help you perform better. In my case it was crystal meth, but there are other drugs, like cocaine. And if athletes are being tested positive, we should not blame them. We have to discuss this because we should help them, because maybe they are suffering.
SPIEGEL: Does your wife like "Open"?
Agassi: Let us put it this way: She is a very, very private person.
SPIEGEL: That's why I am asking.
Agassi: I think, first off, she trusts me a lot. And she knows that if I do this, I will make sure that I maintain and protect what's important to her. But she also has a tremendous amount of love and respect and support for me. And she could tell that this was a story that I needed to tell, that it was important to me.
SPIEGEL: Was she surprised?
Agassi: Nothing in the book surprises her, except the parts that surprised even me.
SPIEGEL: Which are…
Agassi: …which are what and how big my contradictions are. Which are how big my fears really were. Which are how one decision leads to others in your life and what that arc really looks like, how it all makes sense and becomes a story.
SPIEGEL: Was she afraid of being pushed back into the media spotlight?
Agassi: You cannot push Stefanie anywhere. She doesn't go where she doesn't want to go. This is one of the things that I envied about her and one of the things that I wanted from her before I even met her. I wanted to know this person who was how I wanted to be, somebody who knew herself so clearly, without doubts or hesitations.
SPIEGEL: That really sounds like an enormously strong person.
Agassi: Very, very strong. And she's lived a very powerful life, like I have. It's been high stakes, heavy pressures, high expectations in the world, people you take care of, people that count on you. And, unlike me, she's done it with grace.
SPIEGEL: Were you frightened by people who gave you orders, like your dad or Nick Bollettieri?
Agassi: Yes, and I felt like I was always imitating. I was always searching. I was always unsure. I needed educators. I needed people to teach me. I put a team around me that taught me every day.
SPIEGEL: Your clan had a bad image for being "snobs" and "arrogant."
Agassi: No, the people who taught me were nice and smart.
SPIEGEL: How does retirement feel at the age of 39?
Agassi: Free. I was liberated. I never missed tennis. I never liked the competition. I never liked the pressure I put on myself. I never liked that I couldn't be perfect at it. It felt like I had been created to never be satisfied. I resented how bad losing felt and how not good winning felt. It was never balanced. I could not escape this. When I retired, it was like the day I cut off my hair.
SPIEGEL: When you were younger and lost your hair, you experimented with artificial hair…
Agassi: Oh yeah, and I was embarrassed, a professional athlete who was afraid of moving because his hair might fall off. Brooke Shields, my first wife, told me: "Shave your head, it isn't important." And retirement felt similar, like a liberation. Everything -- the pressure, the physical pain -- was gone. And, instead, I could actually see my children grow, whereas before, I hadn't really noticed.
SPIEGEL: But is this really true? During your last year on tour, people admired you and cheered for you. The US Open was Agassi territory.
Agassi: And I was finally able to enjoy and embrace it. But it wasn't until I took ownership of it; it wasn't until I made it my choice. I was grown-up, 27, and would have found the courage to quit. Now it was my decision: No, I won't stop, I will continue for a few years -- and play for myself. It changed everything. And when the school started to come into being, I started to realize that I was playing for my students. Then tennis gave me Stef, and when it gave me Stef, it started; the balance started to go from this resentment to these healthy things in life. Now, it was really worth it. And, yes, the end was really quite sad.
SPIEGEL: There are a lot of former athletes who suffer from being not as strong as they were when they were young. I assume there's nothing you can do as well as play tennis.
Agassi: No, I don't believe that. First of all, my school has 620 kids, and I believe I can build this school as well as I can play tennis. I believe you can change lives. You can find new directions. I never thought that tomorrow will be like yesterday.
SPIEGEL: Boris Becker, Michael Schumacher, Michael Jordan -- they all thought about coming back, or did come out of retirement.
Agassi: Possible. But not me. There are so many other athletes that I never identified with. I don't really watch sports; I don't get involved in sports; I don't really go to events. I don't understand a lot of my peers that talk about the lines being their safe place, being their escape. You know, for me, a rain delay meant more time that I could talk myself into the very anxieties and panic that I didn't want to deal with. I just wanted to get through it. These matches were hard -- and nothing else.
SPIEGEL: And how about Steffi Graf? Any comeback dreams?
Agassi: No. We are 40-years-old, have two children, eight and six. We've got a blessed and privileged life.
Fathers and Grandfathers
SPIEGEL: Did you find the courage to openly talk to your father about all this? Did you reach a new level or perhaps forgiveness?
Agassi: In my personal life, I've talked to him about all these things. There was a beautiful scene during my last US Open, in 2006. My back hurt. Then, a man comes out of the shadows, puts his arm on me, pulls me aside and tells me I have to quit, tells me I should just stop now because it was enough. He can't take seeing the pain any longer; he can't take seeing how much I'm going through, all the suffering. That's my father. And I see in his eyes, for the first time, that he actually hates tennis. He actually resents what it's taken, what he's watched me go through, how he's lived and died with every point.
SPIEGEL: Do you understand him even today?
Agassi: Yes, of course, but he was always proud of me. When I was seven, he told everybody that, one day, I would be number one. It actually is quite simple: My father is a man who didn't have choice in his own life. And, as a result, he wanted to give us the one thing he could: freedom for us to choose our life by giving us the American Dream. He associated choice with economics, and he wanted the fastest road to the American Dream for his kids. As a child, you don't see these subtleties. But when you are grown-up, you return and look at things differently. He's not a man of psychology; he's a man of discipline and work, tremendous loyalty and generosity. These days, we spend our weekends with the grandparents.
SPIEGEL: There is a very sad scene in the book when you try to embrace him, and he stands still, unable to move.
Agassi: We did not do these kinds of things. We never touched each other, and we never said "I love you." Today, we do all these things.
SPIEGEL: Did he ever say he was sorry?
Agassi: He doesn't feel like there is anything to be sorry for; he's proud because everything he did helped make me a champion. There is real pride -- "You're damn right, and I'd do it again."
SPIEGEL: Did he read the book?
Agassi: He won't read it. He told me he's not going to read it. He said it two years ago, last year and yesterday. As he puts it: "What the hell do I have to read your book for? I was there. I know what you did; I know what I did. I don't like to read, anyhow." He also says that it was tennis that destroyed our relationship for years -- not him, not his decisions. He would do it all over again. But, today, I would have to play golf -- and then become the best golfer on Earth.
SPIEGEL: What sports do your children play?
Agassi: Jaz, my daughter, plays tennis three times a week. She does not want to play more often, and we don't push her. And Jaden, my son, plays baseball, which I love because it's healthy. It's a team sport, but it's an individual sport, too. There are very few sports where you are on a team but yet, for that one moment, it's all you, no excuses.
SPIEGEL: Is he good?
Agassi: He is. He's playing with kids two years older than him, and he's hanging with them and doing great.
SPIEGEL: Do you practice with him?
Agassi: Coach and practice and play with him.
SPIEGEL: Are you proud?
Agassi: Very. He's an amazing spirit, my son. I learn from him every day -- about being a professional at something in your life. I think you kind of ask the basic question, which is: Does he have anything that stands out? And you try to be objective. In baseball, you need fast feet or you need a fast arm, or you need great eye-hand coordination. And he has a pretty fast arm and he has great eye-hand, and his feet are good, not great. And so, if it's nurtured, it's fair to say he has a chance. But that's all you need in life: choices and opportunity.
SPIEGEL: Do you force him to play?
Agassi: No. Stefanie teaches him German, which is more important to us.
SPIEGEL: Do you ever play tennis with your wife?
Agassi: We go out occasionally; and when we do, we enjoy it. I enjoy it if she doesn't make me run. If she hits it to me, I'm happy; and if I make her run, she's happy. She likes the exercise; I just like to hit the ball.
SPIEGEL: After ending her career, your wife wanted to live in either New York or San Francisco. How did you manage to move her to Las Vegas?
Agassi: Her mom is here regularly, and her brother is living here with four kids. And my family is here, too. Life came here first, I would say; we just followed. Her mom was basically alone in Florida and wanted to be closer. And Vegas was a beautiful opportunity for her because she's a single grandma, and you can actually go out to dinner in Vegas alone and not feel uncomfortable, and you can actually have your friends want to come visit -- or use Vegas as an excuse to come visit -- so she could see a lot of people throughout her life periodically. My foundation started to grow dramatically, and my business is here. And, then, Steffi's brother decided to move out. My brother is here with his daughter, so there are seven cousins every weekend together. There are places that are more beautiful in the world, like Germany, but the truth is that beauty is in between life. And regarding Stefanie, I would say that she loves me very much; she loves the family and our extended family. And as a result, she loves our life.
SPIEGEL: Mr. Agassi, thank you very much for taking the time to speak with us.
Interview conducted by Klaus Brinkbäumer